Dear Darlings,

But I’m not a bad person. At least, not according to the latest Mel Robbins podcast I listened to on my morning walk. It’s about the secrets we keep and why we keep them. What I took away was that we keep secrets due to shame. Calling yourself a bad, horrible, awful person because of a mistake you made. We all make them. Mistakes. It’s a part of being human.

So, what was this bad thing I did? I did poorly in school. I was bad at it. Not horrible. I didn’t flunk out, but I struggled to focus, concentrate, get my assignments done. I would retreat to my room and read a novel until three in the morning, but that geometry homework that I had been assigned sat untouched. I flew under the radar. Not excelling, but not failing either. Not living up to my potential as my teachers and parents would often tell me.

And for years, it’s plagued me. Why couldn’t I have been better? More motivated? And what about now? Why was this coming back to haunt me now? Why was I struggling so hard with tasks and getting things done? I did so well when the kids were in school. But when they left, pfft. I had nothing. I bought book after book after book to help motivate me.

They sat on my bookshelf. Unread. Not motivating me. Just staring at me judgmentally.

It got me thinking about why I didn’t do well in school. I started looking at my kids and how I coped with life while I was raising them. I wondered if I could have undiagnosed ADHD. I talked to my therapist, who recommended testing. I set up my appointment. I took all the tests. And then I got the results. I’m in the 95% percentile of all women my age, who have been tested. Only five percent of women in my age bracket have ADHD worse than I do. The kids said, “Good job, Mom! You aced your test with that 95%!”

Questions answered. I know I didn’t do a bad thing, nor am I a bad person. My lack of motivation was driven by neuro-divergent pathways  my brain. My therapist asked me how I could best help the little girl in me who didn’t get the diagnosis when she was still in school. He told me to treat her like I would have (and tried) to treat my own. Buy a couple of books and learn how to best help her, he suggested. Set up a schedule for her to help her realize what she wants to do and who she wants to be moving forward out of the childrearing years and into the years for her. So, I did.

I’m a work in progress, but I’m at least progressing and not stuck wondering why I couldn’t motivate myself to read motivational books, or do the thing I love to do. Write. I now have coping tools and the knowledge that I’m not a colossal failure at schooling and academia. I’m moving forward with new books, a new chapter, and exciting new things in my writing world. Progress all around!

Stay tuned, and thanks for staying by my side!

xo,

me