Stupid, Moron, Cigarette Sucking, Cell Phone Talking, Soda Swilling Drivers…

Alright all of you cigarette smoking, cell phone talking, drink swilling, tailgating, texting, can’t maintain a constant speed drivers out there…you’re effing pissing me off ~ especially when do you all of these things at the same time!  Maybe it’s because in two months Zach will be able to drive by himself that I am noticing the incredible stupidity of some drivers on the roads.  And they are really making me angry.

Today, as I was enjoying the warmth of the day combined with my windows rolled down and my music cranked up I got cut off by a woman who had a cigarette in between her fingers while she was talking on her cell phone.  She cut in front of me as we were merging onto the interstate and then proceeded to slow down as we got on the highway ~ I guess so she could take another drag off of her cigarette and then wash it down with her soda all the while holding her phone to her ear.  I set my cruise control at the ever popular speed of 73 and passed her.  I have to assume she didn’t like that very much because in the next few minutes she came flying up on my bumper tailgating me so closely that I thought she was trying to kiss my bumper, but what I really wanted her to do was kiss my ass.  I finished passing the car on my right and was getting ready to move over when she tried to fling herself into the right lane to pass me there…cigarette still billowing as she was still yakking away on her phone, not paying much attention to the road or other drivers around her.  Luckily, she saw my blinker and avoided a near collision at the last possible second.  I got over and she flew by me only to slow down as she got back in front of me.  My cruise control was still set and holding at 73 so I know it wasn’t my lack of attentiveness or any type of aggression on my part.  Cigarette woman then decided to slow down to around 65 as she got in front of me yet again with her cigarette still glowing freakishly between the fingers which are still holding her cell phone to her ear.  At this point I was kind of hoping her hair would catch on fire and she would have to pull over but luck wasn’t on my side and I passed her again.  I tried to put as much distance between us as I safely could and thankfully she stayed far behind me for good.  I got to enjoy the rest of my trip home with my music still cranked ~ the TRVLN ZU was rocking!

It was as I was driving the rest of the way home that I really started to get a little pissed off at all of the inattentiveness, lack of manners and complete disregard for traffic rules by some idiotic drivers out there.  I come home from dropping the kids at school every morning with a new gripe about something that happened either to or from their schools.  Drivers who cut in and out of traffic just to get one car ahead in the carpool line.  Drivers who don’t step on the gas when the lights turn green because they are too busy texting or those drivers who floor it when the light turns yellow…squeezing lemons as the kids say.  Drivers who are rude, nasty, impolite and impatient really chap my hide and they’re starting to worry me even more as I think about Zach being turned loose, by himself, on the streets of Richmond.  How will he handle the utter disregard for rules and common sense by some idiots to become one of the responsible drivers?

I guess it’s up to us, well me anyway…Stan can be a Jersey driver at times.  He’ll criticize what others do and then go on to do the exact same thing himself ~ pure hypocrisy, through and through and he admits it.  I’ll admit, I’m not always perfect ~ shocker, I know!  I do screw up sometimes but for the most part I try to be courteous, maintain safe distances, obey traffic laws (mostly anyway…speed is the one area where I have a problem) and keep an eye on my surroundings.  I don’t text while I’m driving.  I don’t speed with friends’ kids in the car.  I don’t do u-turns in intersections where it says “NO U-Turn.”  Well, you get the idea.  Hopefully, I’m setting a decent example so Zach will go on to be a safe and courteous driver.  I will work hard to make him a defensive driver and try my hardest to make sure he knows all the rules of the road.

But I know I’m going to throw up the first time Zach backs out of the driveway and pulls away from the house all by himself.  I nearly did wretch my guts out the first time I ever left him when we went away for the first time to Hawaii for five days when he was four and Lucas was 18  months old.  Stan had to pull the car over, my face was hot and sticky, bile was rising in my throat, I felt light headed and dizzy and I had to work hard to catch my breath.  This will be worse…he will be leaving the safe confines of me, not me leaving him within the safe confines of another mother’s arms.  I will have my barf bucket ready and my boxes of tissues standing by on that fateful day…I’m not gonna like it one little bit.

I just hope those stupid, moron, cigarette smoking, cell phone talking, soda swilling drivers are off the streets for the first couple of decades my kids are learning how to drive without me in the passenger seat.  If they do anything to cause harm to my sweet, darling, new drivers I will personally rip them apart…limb by limb.  I’m not even kidding.

Oh, for the love of my children….

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