OK, so it may not stink, at least, not right this very minute but with my braces and expander on I FEEL like my breath stinks all the freaking time.

Years ago, I had a friend who was a close talker. You know the people I am talking about. The ones who move forward as you take a step back to keep your personal space in tact. I am not a fan of close talkers. I protect my personal space with ferocity. When someone encroaches, I take a step back and keep repeating until my back is against a wall and there is nowhere else for me to go…from this position I generally excuse myself from the conversation and scramble away as fast as I can. My palms get sweaty and my heart races when I am closed in and cornered. I think I have a close-talker-phobia. Throw in extreme halitosis on top of being a close talker and there you have my friend from years ago. Her breath reeked to high heaven. It was brutal to get stuck in a corner with her. Her breath was so bad my eyes would water and my face would involuntarily scrunch up when she would breath on me as she was talking. I would take one step back, inhale deeply, hold my breath for as long as I could and repeat this procedure over and over as she would move toward me again and again…I am sure it looked like some sort of bizarre and awful dance. Her bad breath + being a close talker = bad breath intervention.

Right now, I am so hyper sensitive to the fact that my breath could reek at any moment from any food that might be stuck all up in my grill. There is a pack of mints is always at my disposal. I am constantly popping mints and ever so slightly backing away from people. I don’t want to offend with the possibility of extremely (or even moderately) nasty breath or the sight of food lodged in the brackets covering my teeth. So if you see me backing away now, it is not from my close talker phobia, it is now because I have a new phobia…extreme-stinky-ness-emitting-from-my-mouth-phobia. I don’t want to be labeled “Toxic Fumes ‘R Us!”

This little adventure, going back into braces, gives me hope that I will be far more sympathetic to Lucas, as he goes back into braces, and Claire as she begins her orthodontia adventures. I will make sure they have all the water piks they need, more dental floss than necessary, toothpaste and toothbrushes out the wazoo and mints, mints and more mints. Hopefully, then, they won’t have to endure people backing away from them because a green cloud of noxious gas comes wafting out of their mouths.

I am hopeful my breath really doesn’t stink but I just can’t be sure so off I go to brush my teeth and open another pack of mints.

There’s not much in her relating to the love of my children but this is for them anyway! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, for the love of my children…in the hope that my breath is sweet and minty!